Selfishness, Self-Love & Devotion: A Sacred Reclamation

By Virginia Underwood

There was a time in my life when I believed love meant sacrificing myself. I thought devotion meant pouring all my energy into another person—meeting their needs before mine, showing up for them no matter how empty I was. I called it love. I even thought it was spiritual.

But really, it was codependency masked as devotion.

When I finally started choosing me—when I began resting, setting boundaries, tending to my own body and spirit—something shifted. My partner got angry. My fear that “if I take care of myself, they’ll leave” came true. He pulled away, blamed me, made me feel guilty. I remember how painful that was—how it confirmed my deepest wounds.

But over time, I saw the truth:
My fear wasn’t irrational—it was intuitive.
It was showing me that what we had wasn’t love. It was control.

Real love doesn’t punish you for growing.
It doesn’t collapse when you nourish yourself.
It doesn’t demand your constant sacrifice just to feel safe.

I used to think being selfish was a flaw. But now I see that what I thought was selfishness… was actually self-respect.

Self-love is sacred. It’s how I returned to myself.

It taught me that I am not here to abandon myself to keep someone else comfortable.
That my needs are not a burden.
That boundaries are not walls—they are bridges to deeper, more authentic connection.

Eventually, that relationship ended. Not because I stopped loving him, but because I started loving me—enough to stop pouring into a cup with holes. And I made a vow: I will never again betray myself in the name of “love.”

Now, I understand that true devotion begins within.

Here’s the irony: true devotion can look a lot like codependency—but it’s born from a completely different source.

They both involve showing up.
They both involve sacrifice, effort, presence.
But in codependency, you're acting from fear—trying to earn love, avoid abandonment, manage someone else’s emotions.

In true devotion, you’re showing up from choice. From fullness. From soul integrity.

In codependency, your worth is tied to what you give.
In devotion, you give because you’re already whole.

True Devotion Looks Like This:

• Holding space for your beloved even when you’re triggered—not to fix them, but to witness them.

• Staying when it’s hard—not to prove your value, but because you’re devoted to growth.

• Saying no with love—not because you’re withdrawing, but because you’re rooted in clarity.

• Returning again and again—not because you’re afraid to lose them, but because you choose them from an empowered place.

Devotion isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence.
It’s what happens when two whole beings walk alongside each other, not to save or complete one another, but to reflect, grow, and love with awareness.

Reflection for You:

• Are you giving to others from fullness or from fear?

• What does true devotion mean to you—and how does it feel in your body?

• Have you ever been in a situation where the “love” you gave was really self-abandonment in disguise?

• How would your relationships shift if you stopped performing love and started being it?

You are not selfish for choosing yourself.
You are preparing to love in a way that is clear, courageous, and clean.
This is the medicine of mature love.